With One Last Thought
by leenza
Summary: [ Vignette ] A short little ficlet about Kel. She's miserable and reminiscing. Read to find out the pairing! :)


This is a song fic about Kel thinking back on her life and her relationship.

Disclaimer: jeez if I were Tamora Pierce…*grins evilly and hides her master plans for kidnapping her favorite characters*

Explanations after!!!

It had been a long day. Keladry of Mindelan forced herself to change into clothes acceptable for the formal meal she was about to attend, despite the fact that what she wanted to do was collapse onto her bed and never wake up. Every part of her body had a complaint after a day of hard workouts. Muscles screamed in protest and bones creaked and cracked wearily when she stretched, a vocal reminder of her increasing age and lessening physical ability.  It was something she feared. Getting too old to even be considered a knight anymore, that is, for all that she was still the current King's Champion. 

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears _

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

_Cause your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone_

Her gaze landed on a necklace hanging from the mirror on her desk and she frowned. She hadn't put it there. Maybe Lalasa? Kel wasn't one to ignore signs, however, and she carefully put the necklace on, holding the beautiful stone in one tightly clenched fist for a few moments and struggling to control her emotions. It held so many memories for her, this necklace, for it had been a gift from a…special someone. She forced her mind in other directions, trying not to think of a familiar teasing grin and piercing eyes that could always see right through her Yamani mask. 

She fixed her tunic, gazing sorrowfully into the mirror. In doing so, she briefly exposed a bare piece of midriff and an elongated scar that ran up towards her chest. It was the mark of an expert swordsman, for he had been able to catch the lady knight out of armor and off her guard.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

She briefly ran her callused fingers over the scar, hit by a brief flashback of that day. She'd been knocked unconscious and woke up in the infirmary, surrounded by worried friends who hadn't been sure she'd survive, given the history of belly wounds. It had been the first time she'd finally noticed something different in one of her friend's eyes, though later she would realize it had been there all along. 

With a brief sigh, she left the room and headed for the banquet that was being held in King Roald's honor, for his twenty-fifth anniversary of being coronated. Queen Shinkokami had labored long and hard for this week of celebrations to be a success. Even the former Princess Kalasin and now present Empress of Carthak had come to visit. Knights from all over the realm were here at the palace, which rarely happened. Kel looked forward to seeing a few familiar faces and so quickened her step as she approached the hall. 

As King's Champion, she had a seat of honor at the King's right hand, while Shinko gazed over the hall with a masked expression on his left. She had a smile for both of them, they had become her best friends over the years when she'd been chosen as the Champion after Alanna's death. This thought brought another wave of painful memories. The Lioness had died bravely in battle, a death that had inspired the failing troops to rise again and defeat the enemy, saving Tortall. There had been a month of mourning for the lady knight. Her list of heroic deeds was almost endless and the country had felt the loss in its very roots. That had been a tough time, especially for those who had been close to her. King Jonathon and Queen Thayet had been assassinated, which was what had been the cause of the war in the first place. Tortall was in chaos and it was Roald's calm demeanor that had managed to bring it together again. She had been named as Champion, much to her opposition, and the commoners had faith in their remaining lady knight. 

It had been a very tough time. Dark times. Thinking back, she doubted she would have made it through without the original owner of the necklace. 

_When I cried you'd wipe away all of my tears_

_When I screamed you'd fight away all of my fears_

_And you held my hand through all of these years_

_But I still have all of you_

Roald seemed to sense her melancholy mood and did not try to engage her in conversation, instead speaking with the Queen from time to time. The younger knights were having a fine celebration indeed. They were too young to remember the dark times that this celebration indirectly coincided with. The older knights were quieter. They had been changed by those times, by that war, and could never ever be the same.

_You used to captivate me by your resonating mind_

_Now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

Kel glanced around the hall silently, reluctant to move from her seat. She could see familiar faces, even some of her year mates, but none she would care to speak with. She missed the familiar sarcastic charm that was her former best friend, Neal. And the happy-go-lucky Owen that you could only take in certain quantities. And Merric, whose sense of duty had led him to accompany her through Scanra even though he had to be tied to his horse to do so. All were gone. All of them. Only Merric was dead, but the rest were gone in all the ways that mattered. Neal had gone back to the Islands with Yuki, unable to cope with himself and his country any longer. He barely wrote anymore, which Kel took to mean he'd found life there more to his liking and didn't wish to think of the place he'd left behind. And Owen…oh, it hurt her heart so, just to think of him. Tears actually filled her eyes, but she blinked them away. Her friend that she'd always counted on to be the cheerer upper, the happy slappy one, had been changed so drastically by war that he was no longer even recognizable as a friend. He'd gone almost mad with grief, with fear, with rage. She hadn't been to visit him at his home in two years. It was simply too hard to bear.

Taking a deep breath to calm down, she wondered why she'd been so eager for this banquet. All it was doing was tearing her apart. Soon she, too, would go mad. And that couldn't happen, for Tortall still needed her.

But there…right there, in the middle of the hall was a familiar red-head. Cleon. Cleon of Kennan. Kel drew in breath sharply, unprepared for this. He hadn't been to Court in over ten years, too pre-occupied with his ailing fief. What had made him come now? To her surprise, Kel found she didn't care. He was no longer a friend. Time and distance could change everything, it seemed.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

It was a long time before she made it back to her rooms. It was silent, contrary to her page years. There were no sparrows to greet her, no Jump barking at her to let him out. Daine was gone and the new generation of animals was normal, unchanged by her wild magic. This made her even more depressed, for she briefly thought of Peachblossom, the snappy gelding who had stolen her heart. He, too, had died in battle, speared through by the enemy. That had been one of the worst days of her life.

Unable to sleep, she sat at the window, staring up at the stars. "Oh, Gods…" she murmured as tears began to stream down her face. She'd known she wouldn't be able to make it through this week. She'd known and still she tried. It was part of what made her…well, her. Each breath was a rasping, gasping sob as she hugged herself around the knees and tucked her face in, shoulders shaking violently. 

In a sudden act of violence, she ripped the necklace off, breaking the catch, and threw it across the room where it shattered against the mirror, cracking the glass. "I hate you!" The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, tasting like bile on her tongue. She repeated them, just to try and make them true, but her heart wasn't in it and more tears rolled down her high-set cheekbones. _Oh, Dom. How could you leave me? You promised you wouldn't. I need you…_

Her traitorous thoughts were too loud for her aching head and she leaned against the wall, struggling to calm down and failing miserably.

_I've tried so hard to tell myself you're gone_

_But though you're still with me_

_I've been alone all along…_

She'd been there as he died. She'd watch the sword cut he'd been dealt and then rushed to his side as he was brought to the infirmary, though she'd been on duty. Clutching his hand tightly, she'd been crying, knowing he was about to die. With his last breath, he'd whispered the three words she'd longed to hear from him for so long and longed to say back, though the timing had never been right. She'd stayed there all night, until Neal found her fast asleep, with dry tear stains on her cheeks and Dom's hand still clutched in her own. She'd gone almost mad, screaming at Neal to heal him, that if he didn't Dom was going to die. They'd had to put her into a magical sleep, for Neal had been frightened she'd hurt herself. 

The feel of his lips on hers…the look in his startlingly blue eyes whenever he looked at her…the pleasant tingles she felt whenever his skin brushed against hers…All haunted her dreams, driving her nearly crazy. He'd never heard her say those three words back. She'd forced herself to believe that he'd known that she loved him, for if he didn't…well, that was too hard to bear. 

Dark times. Hard times. All had been tough, but somehow she'd gotten through them. Soon she'd see Dom again, though she knew he really had been with her all these years. The thought brought a peaceful smile to her face and she drifted off to sleep on the window seat. There was so much pain that time could not erase, but she was learning how to deal with an empty heart.

_When I cried you'd wipe away all of my tears_

_When I screamed you'd fight away all of my fears_

_And you held my hand through all of these years_

_But I still have all of you_

Hmm. Kind of…depressing. But I like that song. It's by Evanescence and it's called My Immortal. 

Basically, I made up my own storyline for after Lady Knight. Jon and Thayet were assassinated, Roald was sworn in and they went to war. Alanna died in the war, which rallied the troops to win. The war changed everyone, because Tortall changed. Owen basically went mad, when everyone used to depend on him for cheering up. Neal couldn't deal (haha, rhymed!) and left with Yuki, leaving Kel without her best friend and support system. Merric died. Cleon disappeared. Raoul simply isn't mentioned, you can assume he died, you can assume the same of Buri. Numair and Daine are gone, you can think what you want of them, either they died or went to Carthak or whatever. Basically, everyone died! So yeah, depressing. 

Kel was injured after Lady Knight. After a long time of dancing around each other, she and Dom finally started to notice something different about each other. It was kind of like they fell in love but they were the only people who didn't know it. Neal was shocked, but he eventually was one of the chief conspirators in getting them together. They had a long relationship, but both were too absorbed in their own lives to think about the future. Dom would have had to leave the Own to marry her; Kel didn't want to settle down. And so they never spoke of love, though anyone who knew them knew the lengths they would go to save each other. It was kind of the quiet kind of love, like Alanna and George, and Kel learned the advantages of discovering one of your best friends to be your soul mate. On his death bed, Dom finally confessed his love and died too soon to hear her repeat the words back to him, which nearly drove Kel mad with grief. So…yeah. 

Dunno why I explained everything, you guys prolly could have figured it out on your own or maybe wanted to interpret it differently, but I think it was kind of a vague fic and so I think some readers would want an explanation. Anyway! Tell me what you think!

Linds


End file.
